This Week in Headlines: Election Special

[media-credit name="Julia Moss" align="alignnone" width="560"] Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted as a blog. Today’s post is special to the 2012 election.

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz
  • Top Story: Current Class of 2013 president panics after hearing that there is election today

[media-credit name="courtesy Mike Safran" align="alignnone" width="494"] “I really thought I wasn’t up for reelection for a few months, but I guess I was wrong,” said current Class of 2013 president Mike Safran. “I haven’t even started campaigning yet,” he added before frantically running out of the room.

  • Write-in candidates Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong currently winning, according to Newtonite poll
  • Candidates unable to answer hard-hitting question of why freshmen do not have open campus
  • Misinformed voter writes in American Idol contestant
  • Entire Newton Republican party shows up for rally in someone’s living room
  • Mitt Romney encourages Americans to vote, especially if they are in top 53 percent
  • Lonely Newton resident says he will miss talking on phone with campaign workers after election ends
  • Paul Ryan holds photo-op at Tiger’s Loft in last-minute attempt for Newton vote
  • Barack Obama enthusiast excited to vote for third time today
  • Voting machine rolls its eyes when voter presses button for independent candidate
  • Mitt Romney loses five-to-seven-year-old demographic after study reveals he has never watched Spongebob
  • Presidential candidates praise Newtonite headline bloggers for deep, insightful journalism

This Week in Headlines endorses history teacher Ty Vignone for US president. Vignone said in an exclusive Newtonite interview that as president he “would pass a new 887 billion dollar stimulus plan,” and add a tour of the White House to the annual Close-Up trip, which he organizes. Vignone, running on the Whig Party ticket, was last seen shielding his face from paparazzi near the college and career center.

Click here to read last week’s This Week in Headlines. 

 

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