The Student News Site of Newton North High School

The Newtonite

The Newtonite

The Newtonite

Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with the This Week in Headlines blog. However, we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.

This Week in Headlines: January 5

The Newtonite January 5, 2015

  by Nicky Kaufman Fortuneteller Club predicts you will join Fortuneteller Club Seniors to throw academic party Friday, Jan. 16 ‘“Snowday Calculator” Calculator’ predicts 90% chance “Snowday...

This Week in Headlines: February 4

The Newtonite February 4, 2013

by Jacob Schwartz Thoughtprints writers totally thought Thoughtprints was cool before everybody else did English teacher Lynn Montague’s firm handshake breaks student’s wrist Ski team races...

This Week in Headlines: January 25

The Newtonite January 25, 2013

by Jacob Schwartz Top Story: Hipster caught faxing in class Bathroom graffiti asks profound philosophical questions Editorial: New school just not the same without asbestos Greengineering...

This Week in Advice Columns: January 11

The Newtonite January 11, 2013

by Jacob Schwartz Dear This Week In Advice Columns, The January SAT test is coming up, and I am a little worried that I will be too nervous on the day of the test to actually do well. Any ideas on how...

This Week In Headlines: January 4

The Newtonite January 4, 2013

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Work ethic of Class of 2013 graduates 0-35 sports team bonds as group, learns valuable skills Student decides not to skip Ethics Boys' basketball blames 61-3 loss...

This Week In Headlines: December 21

The Newtonite December 21, 2012

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Top Story: Teacher assigns students to read her autobiography Struggling French student ‘just putting accents on everything now' Model United Nations members...

This Week in Advice Columns: December 7

The Newtonite December 7, 2012

by Zach Balder and Jacob Schwartz Dear This Week in Advice Columns, I am worried about getting into college. My grades have slipped terribly since I developed an obsession with the weekly Newtonite...

This Week in Headlines: November 30

The Newtonite November 30, 2012

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz [media-credit name="Jacob Schwartz" align="alignright" width="300"] Freshman Jonathan Halpern cowers in fear amidst the sights and sounds of the Newtonville wilderness....

This Week in Headlines: November 16

The Newtonite November 16, 2012

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Top story: Youth Risk Behavior Survey asks students if they have ever tried ‘coffee’ U.S. History teacher vetoes ‘Gangnam Style’ as junior thesis topic Republicans...

This Week in Headlines: Election Special

The Newtonite November 6, 2012

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Top Story: Current Class of 2013 president panics after hearing that there is election today Write-in candidates Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong currently winning,...

This Week In Headlines: October 26

The Newtonite October 26, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Top story: Sophomore unsure if it is too early to secure J-prom date Facebook friends experience roller coaster of emotions while reading song-lyric status update Freshman looking...

This Week in Headlines: October 19

The Newtonite October 19, 2012

  by Jacob Schwartz Top story: School implements 3.14-point GPA scale Fire drill scheduled for your next free block Freshmen not falling for class president’s 'five-hour lunch' platform this...

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