The Newtonite

This Week in Headlines: January 5

The Newtonite • January 5, 2015

by Nicky Kaufman Fortuneteller Club predicts you will join Fortuneteller Club Seniors to throw academic party Friday, Jan. 16 ‘“Snowday Calculator” Calculator’ predicts 90% chance “Snowday...

This Week in Headlines: February 4

The Newtonite • February 4, 2013

Thoughtprints writers totally thought Thoughtprints was cool before everybody else did

This Week in Headlines: January 25

The Newtonite • January 25, 2013

Top Story: Hipster caught faxing in class

This Week in Advice Columns: January 11

The Newtonite • January 11, 2013

by Jacob Schwartz Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with the This Week in Headlines blog. However, we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.

This Week In Headlines: January 4

The Newtonite • January 4, 2013

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

This Week In Headlines: December 21

The Newtonite • December 21, 2012

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

This Week in Advice Columns: December 7

The Newtonite • December 7, 2012

by Zach Balder and Jacob Schwartz Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with This Week in Headlines, but we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.

This Week in Headlines: November 30

The Newtonite • November 30, 2012

by Annesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

This Week in Headlines: November 16

The Newtonite • November 16, 2012

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

This Week in Headlines: Election Special

The Newtonite • November 6, 2012

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted as a blog. Today's post is special to the 2012 election.

This Week In Headlines: October 26

The Newtonite • October 26, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

This Week in Headlines: October 19

The Newtonite • October 19, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.