This Week In Headlines: October 26

The Newtonite

[media-credit name=”Julia Moss” align=”alignnone” width=”560″] Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.
by Jacob Schwartz
  • Top story: Sophomore unsure if it is too early to secure J-prom date

    [media-credit id=26 align=”alignleft” width=”300″] Yesterday X-block, sophomore Ari Seckler tried to figure out whom he should take to the Class of 2015’s Junior Semi-Formal. To be added to Seckler’s list of potential dates, please buy a full-page advertisement in the Newtonite’s print January special. (Make checks out to Jacob Schwartz.)
  • Facebook friends experience roller coaster of emotions while reading song-lyric status update
  • Freshman looking forward to happy ending of ‘Romeo and Juliet’
  • Mass interview: Are you going to eat that?
  • Lecturers, professional storytellers protest ‘cool story bro, tell it again’ shirts
  • Kid trying to pass off something he saw on television last night as his own joke again
  • Student fervently pencil-drumming on desk offered record contract
  • ‘Forty-seven percent of the sophomore class doesn’t deserve open-campus privileges,’ Student Faculty Administration member says in secret meeting
  • Senior vows to boycott cafeteria after horrific milk spill
  • Brookline soccer says referees ‘stepped up’ in 3-2 win over Tigers
  • Housemaster resigns after hearing students say ‘hashtag’ in real life
  • College admissions club sends rejection letters to members to prepare them for senior year
  • Editorial: How are we supposed to lie about grades if parents can see them online?
  • Heads turn as weekly Newtonite blogger struts through hallway

Aneesh Anand contributed to this article. Amanda Hills told us it was funny.
Read last week’s “This Week in Headlines.”