This Week in Headlines: October 19

The Newtonite

[media-credit name=”Julia Moss” align=”alignnone” width=”560″] Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.
by Jacob Schwartz

  • Top story: School implements 3.14-point GPA scale

    [media-credit name=”Jacob Schwartz” align=”alignnone” width=”480″] According to this school’s administration, under the new 3.14159…-point GPA system, students will finally be able to understand grades. “It’s really not that complicated,” said a guidance counselor who was granted anonymity because she does not exist. “If you can score above an irrational number on the majority of your exams, you will succeed in school and in life.”
  • Fire drill scheduled for your next free block
  • Freshmen not falling for class president’s ‘five-hour lunch’ platform this time
  • Administration eliminates C, D, F grades to keep up with competition
  • Debate team members agree to just be friends, if it means they can stop arguing all the time
  • New Theatre Ink show reenacts Hunger Games reenactment
  • Sophomore becomes hit with all the ladies after touchdown in Team Sports II
  • National Novel Writing Month canceled after 20 carpal tunnel syndrome casualties
  • Editorial: Don’t you dare ask if she’s going to collect the homework
  • Junior still recovering from awkward out-of-school interaction with biology teacher
  • Sports: Wrestling team not sweaty enough to qualify for tourney
  • Hogwarts once again a no-show at college night
  • Editorial: Why are you still reading this? Go outside, get some exercise for once
  • Newtonite editors in chief give weekly headline blogger enormous raise

Aneesh Anand contributed to this article.
Read last week’s “This Week in Headlines.