This Week in Advice Columns: January 11

The Newtonite

[media-credit name=”Julia Moss” align=”alignnone” width=”560″] Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with the This Week in Headlines blog. However, we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.
by Jacob Schwartz
Dear This Week In Advice Columns,
The January SAT test is coming up, and I am a little worried that I will be too nervous on the day of the test to actually do well. Any ideas on how I will be able to get past my nerves and perform well on the test?
Sincerely,
Jittery Junior
__________________________
Greetings Jittery,
I think you’re going to be fine. Just fine. Here are some tips that I used to boost my SATs and help me get into Dartvard University.

  • Leave the whole test blank. Remember, the SATs don’t punish you for not answering questions. So, it’s in your best interest not to answer any. You will get a 2400 for sure.
  • If you’re struggling, ask a neighbor for some help. The SATs are, and always will be, a group project. Don’t be afraid to nudge an adjacent test-taker and say, “What did you get for question seven?” Make sure you ask the question loud enough that other test takers will be able to help you.
  • Remember, if you can’t figure out the right answer, it’s not your fault. Your test is probably faulty. When this happens, simply add answer option E and write in the obviously correct response.
  • For the essay portion, increase the size of your handwriting. The College Board give you two pages to write the essay, so choose two words and then write one of them on each page.
  • Occasionally chuckle to yourself and say “Gee, that was easy…” even if you’re doing terribly. Everyone else will be intimidated by your success. This will bring their scores down and help bring your score higher on the curve.

In conclusion, don’t stress. The SATs may decide your entire future, but none of that will matter once time machines are invented. Good luck!
-This Week In Advice Columns
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