This Week in Headlines: November 16

The Newtonite

[media-credit name=”Julia Moss” align=”alignnone” width=”560″] Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.
by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz

  • Top story: Youth Risk Behavior Survey asks students if they have ever tried ‘coffee’

[media-credit id=26 align=”alignnone” width=”300″] Youth Risk Behavior Surveys, such as the satirical one pictured here, are typically destroyed following test administration.
  • U.S. History teacher vetoes ‘Gangnam Style’ as junior thesis topic
  • Republicans demand that President Obama release his PLAN test scores
  • Model U.N. member forgets to bring in donuts, ends cease-fire between Koreas
  • Field hockey hopes to improve puck movement to win Stanley Cup, captain says
  • For clarification, Youth Risk Behavior Survey provides 85 alternative names for cocaine
  • Column: Can I borrow that tissue? I’ll give it back
  • Student blames ‘calculator allergy’ for incomplete math homework
  • Study finds anti-bullying program is biggest target of bullying at school
  • Juniors unable to handle pressure of signing emergency-contact forms on time
  • Student asks science teacher to round up 79 grade to a 90
  • Senior regrets buying ‘La Bamba’ ringtone after phone goes off in AP Spanish
  • Athletic department installs strobe lights on multi-purpose field
  • Senior’s ‘6th Man’ shirt idea sounds much funnier in his head
  • Dad’s lame joke at parent-teacher conference lowers student’s grade by 20 percent
  • Confused SAT participant completes experimental section only
  • Budget Committee cut from Newton budget
  • Editorial: Stop writing so many editorials, try to make a difference for once
  • Beloved weekly Newtonite bloggers tired of signing all those autographs

Click here to read last week’s This Week in Headlines.