This Week in Headlines: November 30

The Newtonite

[media-credit name=”Julia Moss” align=”alignnone” width=”560″] Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz

    • [media-credit name=”Jacob Schwartz” align=”alignright” width=”300″] Freshman Jonathan Halpern cowers in fear amidst the sights and sounds of the Newtonville wilderness. “The next time I leave North, I’m bringing a compass,” Halpern told this news source after returning to civilization.

      Top story: Freshman becomes hopelessly lost in wilderness of Newtonville

    • Basketball team plans marriage proposals at games to increase attendance
    • Frustrated freshman creates ‘No Facial-Hair February’
    • Junior Jack Boucher intercepts pass from Jack Boucher for touchdown at Thanksgiving Football Game
    • In Memoriam: Steve the Turkey clucked a lot, enjoyed long walks on the beach
    • Newtonite readers break down without headlines blog during Thanksgiving break
    • MIT chemists still unsure of grandma’s stuffing recipe contents
    • Innovative student musicians create band that covers other cover bands’ songs
    • Newtonite editors in chief elect themselves as next editors in chief
    • Students ready themselves for Revolutionary War against club fees
    • Desperate senior puts Christmas shopping on college application
    • Fugitive turkeys celebrate another year of life
    • Nutrition Club begins year-long hunger strike
    • Entire boys’ swim team quits after hot-tub is installed nearby
    • Bitter students start ‘NNHS Insults’ Facebook page
    • ‘This Week In Headlines’ projects Ty Vignone as next U.S. president

Attention readers: If you have a headline idea for us, email it to [email protected] so we can hang it up on the Newtonite Wall of Shame next to that embarrassing picture of Aneesh at that Christmas party.