This Week in Headlines: October 12

The Newtonite

[media-credit name=”Julia Moss” align=”alignnone” width=”557″] Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.
by Jacob Schwartz
[media-credit name=”Jacob Schwartz ” align=”alignright” width=”300″] Freshman Nick Gjerasi has always dreamed of leaving this school’s campus. Yesterday, Gjerasi escaped this school at 2:35, and after a three-hour police chase, was found at the Rox Diner by Newton’s hero police dog, Archie. “Woof woof,” said Archie on how it felt to make the arrest.
  • Top story: Gutsy freshman goes off campus after school

  • Student relies too much on spell czech
  • Effie Trinket sues principal for identity fraud
  • Senior class to build ‘Borrowed Pencils’ memorial
  • European History student catches black plague before test
  • Rebel quadruple-spaces history essay
  • Editorial: Editorials are way too opinionated
  • Calculus class goes off on tangent
  • Talented student remembers muster station locations
  • Junior drops out after accidentally entering girls’ restroom
  • Procrastinators club meeting postponed until ‘sometime soon,’ officer says
  • Gossip club cut due to lack of funding, or at least that’s what everyone’s saying
  • Sophomore reaches end of lunch line in only 35 minutes
  • Editorial: New GPA system puts too much emphasis on grades

Read last week’s “This Week in Headlines.”