by Jacob Schwartz
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Top story: School implements 3.14-point GPA scale
[media-credit name=”Jacob Schwartz” align=”alignnone” width=”480″] According to this school’s administration, under the new 3.14159…-point GPA system, students will finally be able to understand grades. “It’s really not that complicated,” said a guidance counselor who was granted anonymity because she does not exist. “If you can score above an irrational number on the majority of your exams, you will succeed in school and in life.” - Fire drill scheduled for your next free block
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- Administration eliminates C, D, F grades to keep up with competition
- Debate team members agree to just be friends, if it means they can stop arguing all the time
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- Sophomore becomes hit with all the ladies after touchdown in Team Sports II
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- Editorial: Don’t you dare ask if she’s going to collect the homework
- Junior still recovering from awkward out-of-school interaction with biology teacher
- Sports: Wrestling team not sweaty enough to qualify for tourney
- Hogwarts once again a no-show at college night
- Editorial: Why are you still reading this? Go outside, get some exercise for once
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Aneesh Anand contributed to this article.
Read last week’s “This Week in Headlines.“
