This Week in Headlines: January 5

The Newtonite

January 5, 2015

Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with the This Week in Headlines blog. However, we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.

Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school.

by Nicky Kaufman

Fortuneteller Club predicts you will join Fortuneteller Club
Seniors to throw academic party Friday, Jan. 16
‘“Snowday Calculator” Calculator’ predicts 90% chance “Snowday Calculator” is incorrect
Feature: Is kissing better with braces?
College tips: How to defeat your interviewer
Principal Price matches with North Andover district on superintendent Tinder
Steven Michael disciples claim leader is living in still-closed Subway
Basketball Starts the Season Hot 😉
Newtonite (617-559-6273) not desperate for advertising money

The Masked Crusader Who Helped Nicky Write This Article Wishes To Remain Anonymous Due To His Crippling Fear of Fame and Success

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