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  [media-credit name=”Jacob Schwartz” align=”alignright” width=”300″] Freshman Jonathan Halpern cowers in fear amidst the sights and sounds of the Newtonville wilderness. “The next time I leave North, I’m bringing a compass,” Halpern told this news source after returning to civilization.

  Top story: Freshman becomes hopelessly lost in wilderness of Newtonville

• Basketball team plans marriage proposals at games to increase attendance
• Frustrated freshman creates ‘No Facial-Hair February’
• Junior Jack Boucher intercepts pass from Jack Boucher for touchdown at Thanksgiving Football Game
• In Memoriam: Steve the Turkey clucked a lot, enjoyed long walks on the beach
• Newtonite readers break down without headlines blog during Thanksgiving break
• MIT chemists still unsure of grandma’s stuffing recipe contents
• Innovative student musicians create band that covers other cover bands’ songs
• Newtonite editors in chief elect themselves as next editors in chief
• Students ready themselves for Revolutionary War against club fees
• Desperate senior puts Christmas shopping on college application
• Fugitive turkeys celebrate another year of life
• Nutrition Club begins year-long hunger strike
• Entire boys’ swim team quits after hot-tub is installed nearby
• Bitter students start ‘NNHS Insults’ Facebook page
• ‘This Week In Headlines’ projects Ty Vignone as next U.S. president

Attention readers: If you have a headline idea for us, email it to [email protected] so we can hang it up on the Newtonite Wall of Shame next to that embarrassing picture of Aneesh at that Christmas party.