Silence of the Tigers: How to Survive a Horror Movie


The Newtonite

Silence of the Tigers: This blog is updated every other week. Graphic by Julia Moss.
Silence of the Tigers: This blog is updated every other week. Graphic by Julia Moss.

by Kyle Mendelsohn

If the power in your house suddenly shuts down and someone goes missing, chances are your life has turned into a horror movie, and instead of doing what every dumb blonde or unintelligent jock does, be smart. Don’t try to yell for help or use cell or home phones because chances are neither of them will work.

Try to stay away from rooms where a killer could sneak up on you, such as rooms with closets or things a killer could hide behind. A very important rule is that under no circumstances should you go into the basement. I don’t care if a four hundred-page memoir of your entire life is sitting at the bottom of the stairs—just do not go into the basement.

I wouldn’t go up into the attic either, because thats just as bad as the basement. As well as not going into the basement, do not split up. Chances are that if you split up, almost all of you will be slaughtered individually, and it just won’t end well.

Do not for any reason decide, “Hey let’s get wildly intoxicated because this isn’t actually happening.” Anyone reading this probably thinks that no one is that dumb, but it has happened in at least one horror movie I’ve seen. One of the most important rules that I cannot put enough stress on is do not, I repeat: do not split up and decide, “I’m gonna go take a shower.” You will be stabbed. You will not be the character that makes it out alive to tell the wondrous story of how you survived a brutal killing spree inside your best friends home. You will most likely be one of the first characters to die.

If the establishment you are in is near woods, do not attempt to escape the house and run into the woods, because that’s just begging to get yourself killed. If you ever find yourself in this situation, follow the advice I have given you, because you might just be the person that survives the next Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Grudge.