This Week In Headlines: March 1

The Newtonite
March 1, 2013

Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with the This Week in Headlines blog. However, we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.
Graphic made by Julia Moss. Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with the This Week in Headlines blog. However, we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz

  • Top Story: Slumping senior fails Bathroom 101
  • Administration cuts textbooks from budget to make room for bean bag chairs in library
  • Nudist Colony Club disappointed by lack of female members
  • Senior Year Project (SYP) student working in North Korea hasn’t updated her blog in a while
  • Night school student caught sending telegram in class
  • Sophomore receives death stares from juniors after complaining about sophomore thesis
  • Student convinces parents that N on report card stands for “Not skipping”
  • Chinese hackers mistake freshman’s Facebook statuses for secret U.S. military documents
  • School bans write-in option on elections after Jon Stewart voted junior class president
  • Newtonite bloggers caught checking themselves out in mirror…again

Amanda Hills wishes she were as funny as us
Click here to see This Week in Headlines’ last installment.