Satire: Latecomers share tips, secrets of arriving to class on time

The Newtonite

[media-credit name=”Rachel Kronberg” align=”alignright” width=”235″][/media-credit]

Ten minutes after A-block began, junior Rosanna Gessel-Larson walked down a deserted hallway on her way to class.

by Cyrus Vaghar
It is 7:45 a.m., and you are on your way to school. You need to hurry, if you don’t want to be late. Picking the right route to your class can make or break your chances of reaching your seat on time.
One of the secrets to getting to class by 7:50 a.m. is picking the right route. The main doors are latecomers’ favorites, but the more obscure doors provide empty staircases that allow latecomers to sprint to class unimpeded by other late students.
Professional latecomers use the hidden staircase G to land in their seats just as the bell rings. Staircase G is almost always empty at 7:45 a.m., so latecomers can sprint from the first floor to the fourth floor with ease.
Staircase E is always crowded with latecomers. It should be avoided unless you want someone’s bag in your face or unless you want the person behind you stepping on your shoe.
Upon reaching the floor your class in on, the worst situation you can find yourself in a slow moving mob of students who do not care about reaching class on time. This is always a difficult situation because it is never clear whether it is okay to pass these mobs. Many amateurs will try to pass pretending they are on a fake phone call. This never works. An effective method is to pretend that you see somebody up the hall that you know and start calling their name. Walk up the hall at a fast pace and make your getaway.
If you have a gym class A-block, get dropped off at Hull street. The closest doors lead into the athletic wing, and you can be in the gym within 45 seconds of leaving your car. Note that during winter the steep concrete staircase may cause injuries, and you do not want to be stuck helping someone who has fallen, or worse, falling and becoming injured yourself.

Overall, if you follow these tips, you should have no problem making it to class on time when you arrive only a few minutes before the bell rings.