Satire: Walker’s Education prevents hallway disasters, inconveniences

The Newtonite

[media-credit name=”Izzy Rosenblatt” align=”alignnone” width=”285″][/media-credit]

Students should follow certain rules when walking in the hallways as not to annoy others.

by Jacob Schwartz
Walking through the halls of this school can be incredibly dangerous. It’s not something students should do without knowledge of how to maneuver safely. Just think about it: In the blink of an eye, a walker could swerve into your lane of traffic and slam right into you. You’d be lucky to survive.
Hello and welcome to Walker’s Education, the one-stop knowledge shop for all students who wish to learn how to walk more safely.
Before we really dig in, it is necessary to go over some walking fundamentals.
Like a driver, a walker must always stay on his or her right-hand side of the hallway. Sounds simple, right? But, you would not believe how many times I’ve seen wrong-way walking in my years of walking experience.
To avoid confusion in the hallway, use manual hand-signals to let people behind you know where you’re headed.
If you start to skid on some spilled coffee or cafeteria milk, remember to always turn in the direction of the skid. However, this shouldn’t be a problem if nobody drinks and walks in the first place.
Texting while walking is one of the most common ways walkers can drift into the wrong lane, causing head-on collisions and annoying all the walkers around them. So, always put that phone away. Remember, not irritating the walkers around you is much more important than any message you receive in the hallway.
And freshmen, if you feel the need to clog up the hallways while congregating with your peers, at least put your hazard lights on. That way, the upperclassmen will know to take a detour in order to arrive on-time to class.
While all of these potentially harmful walking actions seem easy to avoid, they are actually quite common throughout the hallways of this school.
I know what you’re thinking: how does the school let incompetent walkers get away with their actions? While unfortunately the school does not have fines for malicious walking, non-official penalties may include everyone around you rolling their eyes and students talking about your walking behind your back.
Overall, be prepared for the worst. The walkers of our hallways can be merciless and unyielding, and you will have to know how to stay safe.