This Week in Headlines: February 4

The Newtonite

Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with the This Week in Headlines blog. However, we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.

by Jacob Schwartz

Thoughtprints writers totally thought Thoughtprints was cool before everybody else did

English teacher Lynn Montague’s firm handshake breaks student’s wrist

Ski team races nude to improve aerodynamics

Jazz band branches out, plays Metallica song

All teachers on absent list except yours

Editorial: Library starting to smell like books

King Louis XVI club taken over by French Revolution club

Senior Jacob Schwartz currently late to film class

Film teacher falls into depression, class begins chick flick unit

Newtonite blogger unsure if he needs haircut

Email Jschwa95@gmail.com to tell Jacob whether he needs a haircut.
Click here to read last week’s installment of This Week in Headlines