This Week in Headlines: January 25

The Newtonite

Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with the This Week in Headlines blog. However, we probably won’t use it, because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.

by Jacob Schwartz

Top Story: Hipster caught faxing in class
Bathroom graffiti asks profound philosophical questions
Editorial: New school just not the same without asbestos
Greengineering student performs photosynthesis
Mr. ‘013 winner caught in scandal after leaked naked photos
Overachiever thanks teacher for rounding A+ grade to A++
Under-budget Jingshan Exchange program to travel to Lobster Wok
Worst junior theses nominated for Rutherford B. Hayes Prize
Below-budget Close Up class to travel to Cleveland this year instead of Washington D.C.
Marathon Club still completing last year’s race
Clashing attire of Mr. ‘013 contestants causes entire auditorium to go blind

Amanda Hills thinks this article reeks of immaturity and idiocracy. But we think you’ll enjoy it!