This Week in Advice Columns: December 7

[media-credit name=”Julia Moss” align=”alignnone” width=”560″]
Do you need some advice to get you through some of high school’s problems? You could send it to This Week In Advice Columns, which may or may not be affiliated with This Week in Headlines, but we probably won’t use it because all of this advice is completely satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. If you really do need help, my grandpa is a therapist, I think.

by Zach Balder and Jacob Schwartz
Dear This Week in Advice Columns,

I am worried about getting into college. My grades have slipped terribly since I developed an obsession with the weekly Newtonite blog This Week in Headlines, and my grades don’t appear to be rising any time soon. How do I show colleges that I deserve to be admitted, even though I do not have the numbers to prove it?

Sincerely,
Unacceptable

 

[media-credit name=”Jacob Schwartz” align=”alignnone” width=”466″] College rejection letters, like these satirical ones, tend to make people sad, scientists have discovered.

Dear Unacceptable,
Looks like you’re in a real pickle there! Here are some tips to help you soothe those application blues and show those colleges that you deserve their acceptance:
1. Try applying to all your schools Early Decision. What have you got to lose?
2. Make sure to thoroughly proofread and edit your teacher recommendations.
3. Send your colleges a link to your Facebook profile so that they can get to know you better and get a better sense of your interests.
4. Remember: The Common Application is just a big scam that swindles your family for its money. Always hand deliver your application to your schools, along with a bouquet, a box of chocolates and a handwritten letter declaring your love for the school. Cursive is a must.
5. If you do get rejected or deferred (yeah right!), write a strongly-worded letter demanding your acceptance. Be sure to include your name and the other schools you are applying to. The more swear-words the better; it makes you look like a mature adult. This is the best time to show colleges your strong writing skills, as it could help you get accepted.
Good luck!
–This Week in Advice Columns Staff

Aneesh Anand’s name did not fit on the byline, but he helped… we guess.

Click here to read last week’s This Week in Headlines.

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