The Newtonite

This Week in Headlines: Election Special

The Newtonite • November 6, 2012

by Aneesh Anand and Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted as a blog. Today's post is special to the 2012 election.

This Week In Headlines: October 26

The Newtonite • October 26, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

This Week in Headlines: October 19

The Newtonite • October 19, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

This Week in Headlines: October 12

The Newtonite • October 12, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every Friday as a blog.

This Week in Headlines: October 5

The Newtonite • October 5, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Since the dawn of time, man has craved knowledge on the happenings of his community. These headlines, albeit satirical and ridiculous, provide a portal into the daily life at this school and will be posted every other Friday as a blog.

Satire: Study shows Honors, Advanced Placement courses determine afterlife options

The Newtonite • May 18, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Time to stock up on some challenging courses for next semester. It just might get you into Heaven

Satire: Latecomers share tips, secrets of arriving to class on time

The Newtonite • February 15, 2012

by Cyrus Vaghar It is 7:45 a.m., and you are on your way to school. You need to hurry, if you don't want to be late. Picking the right route to your class can make or break your chances of reaching your seat on time.

Satire: Walker’s Education prevents hallway disasters, inconveniences

The Newtonite • February 2, 2012

by Jacob Schwartz Walking through the halls of this school can be incredibly dangerous. It’s not students should do without knowledge of how to maneuver safely. Just think about it: In the blink of an eye, a walker could swerve into your lane of traffic and slam right into you. You’d be lucky to survive.