Satire: Study shows Honors, Advanced Placement courses determine afterlife options

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Study shows that top-notch afterlife institutions, such as Heaven, tend to use the number of Advanced Placement and Honors courses as admittance criteria.

by Jacob Schwartz
Time to stock up on some challenging courses for next semester. It just might get you into Heaven.

A recent study by the Panicked Parents Association revealed that the number of Honors and Advanced Placement courses a student takes directly affect his or her afterlife options.

Afterlife institutions used to be known for scrutinizing applicants’ life decisions, placing students on ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ lists for Judgement Day and setting up essential interviews. But, apparently, times have changed.

“The study is absolutely right,” said Saint Peter, Heaven’s current dean of admissions. “We used to take a more holistic approach with much focus on applicants’ moral standings in life. Then, our admissions department realized the only thing that truly matters is the rigor of the applicant’s academic career.”

“We would much rather have an ax murderer who passed AP Calculus than a choir boy who never challenged himself,” Peter said.

Heaven as an institution has become increasingly more selective, the study highlights. The acceptance rate has dropped in recent years to just over four percent, and of the 20,000 who were accepted last year, 98 percent were in the top one percent of their high school class.

Even more bad news for potential Heaven applicants is that the school no longer accepts teacher recommendations “unless the teacher is immortal or a mystical creature of some kind,” according to Peter.

If it is any consolation to Heaven applicants who didn’t make the cut, the institution sends sincere rejection letters. “Just the fact that you applied here made the whole admissions department cry of laughter,” one stated. “Thank you for that.”

Worried? Don’t be.

There is no need to fret if you aren’t in as many AP or Honors courses as Heaven University recommends. There are still plenty of afterlife options for you.

Well…one to be exact.

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